Earlier this week I posted a comment on a particular social media site that received quite a few comments. I have decided there are several possible responses to those comments. 1) I can be offended and get angry and seek retaliation by adding cutting comments. 2) I can become discouraged and wish to give up. I invest my life in students and then have them turn around and lambast me. 3) I can learn and develop through the experience.
I have made the choice to take the third option. So what can I learn from it. Here are a few lessons I have been thinking about since the event.
Lesson #1 -- keep your thoughts and frustration to yourself. When the student informed me in the middle of class that she was leaving for Florida the next day, I could have refrained from making this comment: "I wish sometimes parents and students realized how unhandy it is to have students going on vacation when there is school. I had yet another student inform me today that she is leaving for Florida." You have to understand that she was the fifth student to be leaving for vacation in two weeks. You have to also understand that although the papers requesting an excused absence for the trip had to be turned in at the office two weeks before, she waited until the day before the trip to tell me she was leaving. Even at that point she did not specifically request her homework although she did come to me at the end of the day and expected me to have it ready for her. You have to also understand that it was the day before I had to have grades for third quarter turned in at the office and had gone the second mile with my creative writing students and given them longer on their autobiography than I should have. I was up until midnight that night grading papers and got up again the next morning at 4:30 to finish so that I could meet my deadline of 8 AM for having grades in the office. That was the day she announced she was going to Florida--my 4:30 to midnight day. If she had come two weeks before when the papers had to be turned in at the office, I would have gotten her homework ready in the next day or two, she could have done it before she left, had a classmate grade it while she was gone, I could have recorded the grade along with all the other students' grades, and there would have been minimal extra work. Most students don't realize how unhandy it is to have to get missing assignments from them after they come back from a trip. Typically the first three days they are adjusting to reality of being back home and in school and trying to figure out what is going on in class because they have missed a week of instruction. Some students never recover the gap. Most students will eventually get most of the homework or quizzes completed after a reminder or two or three--all of which take more of the teacher's time. Some few never get it finished regardless of how many reminders they are given. With each homework assignment or quiz that is turned in separate from the rest of the class, the teacher has to find the answer key, determine how many points there were, locate the correct place in the gradebook and record the grade--all of which take more time. I simply stated that I wish parents and students realized how unhandy it was. Obviously, I have not learned Lesson 1. Let's go on to Lesson 2.
Lesson #2 -- Don't jump to conclusions. Almost immediately after posting, I was receiving comments from people who jumped to conclusions. I never said that families should not go on vacation during the school year. I never said school is more important than family time. Some people who read my post jumped to those conclusions. The lesson for me is to think, read carefully, listen closely, understand what the person really is saying before I add to what they have said and get all upset and defensive about it. How many times do I jump to conclusions and become defensive without really hearing and understanding what a person has actually said? I think of the verse I have chosen as my life verse: "Wisdom is the principal thing; therefore get wisdom: and with all thy getting get understanding" Proverbs 4:7. The lesson for me is to develop understanding of what a person has said.
Lesson #3 -- Recognize what makes me defensive. It seemed to me that a number of people felt the need to defend themselves for taking vacation during the school year. When I become defensive, is it because there is something that is right, moral, Godly, Biblical that is being violated. Or do I become defensive when a choice I have made is called into question. What makes a person become defensive? A licensed mental health therapist says in his Kellevision blog that "Defensive people may become completely irrational in their attempts to deflect perceived blame or criticism. The dictionary defines defensive as "a state or posture of defense." It is a reaction to someone else that comes from anxiety, fear, guilt or insecurity. Defensiveness is an emotional response rather than a logical one. Someone has hit a nerve. Someone has pushed a button. And off you go. You are reacting rather than acting. Look at the last time you snapped at someone, withdrew into a deadly silence, or played the blame game. You were probably being defensive. Defensiveness is an overreaction to the actions of another. It's taking things personally which are not. Why do people get defensive? People can get defensive for a variety of reasons and I cannot possibly cover all of them here. But I will cover some of the broader reasons and give some specific examples. Some of the more common reasons are; denial, guilt, insecurity, fear or trauma. Usually, defensiveness comes from feeling unsafe or threatened. If someone feels attacked, unfairly criticized or judged they may snap." So what really is the underlying issue that makes me defensive? It probably has nothing or at least very little to do with the issue at hand. I would be wise when I feel the urge to defend myself to look for the underlying issue of guilt, insecurity, etc.
Lesson #4 -- Gift of encouragement. While there were a very few who lambasted me, and some who felt the need to defend themselves, there were many who chose to post publicly or private message me words of encouragement. As I reflected on those comments and the effect they had on me, I realized how valuable the gift of encouragement really is. In our busy world, we need to take the time to give other people a word of hope, agree with them in prayer, or simply lend a listening ear.
As followers of Jesus we need to be sensitive to the needs of others. Jesus teaches us that mercy and compassion will be shown to those who also show mercy and compassion to others. (Matthew 5:7) We must speak the right words at the right time whenever God sends someone across our path to encourage them and be their friend. I want to learn to take the time to give words of encouragement, words of life, words of hope to others.
